What's next?
This is one of the most recurring questions I found asking myself this year, after a devastating loss I'll never manage to put into words. A loss that broke the tip of the fountain pen writing my story, leaving nothing but a vast, black splash of ink across its current chapter.
What is next?
I kept asking myself this question, unable to find an answer, spinning in circles while trying to escape a reality I couldn't. I traveled through Austria, I traveled from Italy to Madeira. I worked at construction sites, at fairgrounds, I got into historic longsword fighting, MMA, I even began restoring a motorcycle. But nothing seemed to be able to pull me out of the splash, laying where the tip once broke, with ink still slowly pearling off its remaining nib.
One of the places I thought the least to contribute to discovering a new path ahead, was the gym. I lost weight, and had to start below what I was once able to lift, which led to a lack of motivation at first. But in a strange, slow but steady progression, the gym became my sanctuary.
Whatever it was that drove me, led to fuel the ember buried beneath this year's veil, becoming a fire. It ignited a kind of drive and passion I've never experienced before. It introduced me to new people, new music and new ideas.
I believe to have discovered what kind of artist I want to be. What I want my artwork to be. What I want it to translate into. The very fire that eventually kept me going this year, that couldn't be broken: love. A promise.
This year may have been the end of many things, such as an admittedly lacking year in terms of finished projects (having not finished one), but the origin of an entire new artistic path ahead, with me currently exploring entirely new themes, original concepts and even new mediums, such as clay sculpting. And after over eight years, a return to hand drawing, my main focus before I got into 3D / digital art.
Yet, there is one unplanned project I managed to progress beyond any expectations I had. A project that may even visualise this year's battles and journey: my gym journey. My leaps in strength exceeded any goals I had for the following year, with this year's most notable lifts being a 120kg benchpress and +70kg weighted dip.
If you're an artist, and ever find yourself struggling, don't force your art to carry the full burden of coping. It might lead to negative associations, perhaps even frustration, at least that was the case for me. Let it be something else. Another venture you may turn to, when needing to escape, leaving your art for whatever you drew from these journeys. Let art be the paper you draw on, not the pen you draw with.
For me, it was the gym, which eventually turned out to be the origin of what got me back into creating, with me sometimes even carrying sketchbooks along my workouts. Additionally, as a byproduct, it had a visible impact on me, beyond philosophies.
And most importantly, take a break. Your artistic progression won't get lost, if anything, it has proven to be a potential for growth, to me personally at least. I know just how hard it can be, but if possible, if circumstances allow, it may serve you well. Very well.
I hesitated to including this image at first, but I feel like it belongs to this post, serving as a visual marker to the end of this year's chapter.
2025, I bid you farewell. You were my Elden Beast. But it seems I'm a Tarnished, after all.